My Humanity

What am I? A human.

The only ideology I could ever take seriously is that of the scientific method. And the scientific method tells me, that my body is that of an animal. Of the family of the apes. And I am condemned to sense animal feelings and do animal behaviors.

Anything else that I might belief in: could just be characterized as hopeful. I hope I am bigger than most animals, than most humans, I hope that I am connected to the universe in more ways than one or many. I hope there is always a way to increment my capabilities to lead a smart life.

And yet this is all hope. I can only try. Fight battles that I will lose. Will I fight battles that I know I will lose? Can I be so arrogant to think that I know that I will lose battles? What am I? What does being an animal mean?

Am I supposed to care about family? Friends and relationships? All I want to do is to not care. Because I am not a human. I am not less or more. I am different. I was born with something or without something. The ability to want to be normal. To follow the patterns of life bestow upon me by the feeling that I possessed. What happens when one’s genetics and nurture meets a different culture? What happens if I was born weak?

It’d mean that I will lose all the battles. That I will lose most battles that a human, an animal faces. The battles of love and of friendship. The battles of power, of being the center of attention. The battles of beauty and intelligence.

My emotions cloud my perception. But what is anyone without emotions? I am big and I am small. I fool myself if I were to said I didn’t need people. But oh I wish so much I didn’t. My inability to relate well to others. The human part I am missing.

Give me resolution. Or give me death. I want peace. I want to resolve these issues. I want an answer and a solution.

I feel like I am living under the illusion that I am alright when in reality, everything indicates to me that it sucks being alive while others live. I have no homicide intentions. I am a peaceful person by nature. And peace is all I want.

No, I don’t want peace. I want to understand. And understand is what I have done. Perhaps now I want peace.

The most peaceful way to live.

I am not under control. This happen sometimes. The overload of my mind. I can only I will not be so easily defeated by my thoughts next time around.

So, what did we learn today? Putting down facts and emotions, that perhaps it is a good idea. So that one might understand this condition and understand it for a letter use in the future.


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