I want to feel sad.
Give me strength, then. There are a million things that go through my mind. There are a trillion of feelings in me. I actually don’t know whether I am exaggerating. I should calm down. But who wrote a good story when he was calmed down?
More often than not, good stories come out of traumas. Emotional fitness, they call it. When you are able to do things because you feel things. And I feel overwhelmed. I seem to walk through my emotional life carrying so much baggage. A baggage that perhaps can be represent as child that it is actually a demon of sorts. My demons. That let me know about my failures in life.
While all the success I ever reached in life was never enough. Enough to give me wings, so I can fly. Fly through the swamp of life’s negative experiences.
What do you care? Let me tell you about what you care. You care about the same stuff as me. You are like me. Obsessive. About breathing air, keep your relationships intact, eating on time, finding pleasure in life. These are among the things we care about.
I don’t get you parents. You live through your children? You want your children to be something that you were not able to be. Better than you. And if they turn out to be worst but misfortunes and mysteries of life, you think you have failed. What is that all about?
I fell in love once. It was messy. The second time, it was worst. Imagining that the love of a woman might compare to the love that parents feels toward their children, I might understand their ability to act beyond comprehension when there is a threat to what they think “parent-child” status or such a type of relationship should be like, Desperate, furious, loving, needy, weak and strong.
I am a human. I am a killer. A lover. A pacifist. A hater. I am you. We are definitely not the same. I am smarter and you are prettier. But we both want pretty much the same things. Give me food, give me a way to feel important. Give me the feeling of belonging (probably I feel this less). Give me something back after I give you something.
Overwhelmed by emotions. How much were humans supposed to feel? Not too many so that perhaps one won’t correctly. Overwhelmed by the look of a girl, without the inability to propose a kiss. Now, you (feelings) were not supposed to work like that. That might be able to happen theoretically. That’s how I feel. I don’t even know how I am feeling.
The smartest way to feel. In order, for me to combat my paralyzing feelings, I must go against my nature. Psychologists will agree but not really. They don’t know how to go about it. Isn’t this against the idea that one can’t help how he feels? Perhaps what they meant is that we were meant to be understood. When we are understood then people can act accordingly to how we feel. Psychologists are crazy. Somewhat ironic.
I am not normal. Or am I? Or am I just like some of you? Some of you might be able to understand my obsessive behavior towards unrequited life. Unpractical, unhealthy, practically impossible to stop. Feeling love for someone who doesn’t feel the same way for you, blows. Trying to not feeling love for the one who you love, blows. Emotions blow me and not in the good way.
Emotions make you do stupid shit. Perhaps not necessarily stupid. Emotions make you do things. And what does pure reason do? Just understand and that is it.
Emotions, the smartest way to feel, what is it? To be a rock to everybody’s feelings. To not be hurt. To be hurt not. To only be hurt occasionally because people are getting hurt by your actions and we don’t them to reciprocate this.
We do good things for others because we want them to return the favor. We don’t do bad things, because we don’t want people to return the favor. But can we do without expecting anything back? I let her go. The person that I have loved the most (or not). And even then, I was hoping for her to consider me in a future maybe. Can people that do not know you, do something nice for you and walk away?
What does it mean that strangers care?
We’d talk about it later.