There is not much of a desire for me to make amends so that I can be accepted into a social group. I act like I do and if people don’t like it, I don’t change me because of them. i stay true to what I believe and think is right/entertaining. And this is why my social life is a disaster.
And I ask myself, is this promise I have made to be true to myself worth the disaster it drags? Connecting with others and the need of belonging somewhere is part of our human experience. And so I feel quite lost and alone. I wonder and wonder that at some point I should see the truth of whether my isolation is worth it. Am I really going to have to google how to make friends?
Though, I am sure I have googled it before. But I forget. I forget and forget and that is the problem, isn’t it? I am quite dissatisfied with life and not because my life is terrible but because my personal trait is to be dissatisfied with it. To look at the negative and feel bad about it. This is so because I believe in change. I want to improve myself over and over. And so I change and change but into what I don’t know. Because after all, what is even the best way to live? What is the most ethical way to live? The smartest way to live? The most meaningful/happy way to live?
I have explored myself, my surroundings and other people and yet I am unable to answer these questions. Except for perhaps do what you think it is right and follow it no matter what. To me it seems that we make mistakes and those mistakes might very well be what we follow no matter what for after some time. Oh, there are million of good thoughts that are happening in my brain right now, how to write them all down? They are good, too. And I shall propose the idea that having many good thoughts come to you is good so this whole scenario of me examining myself is good and that I shall do this more often. I should replicate what caused these thoughts to come into my mind. That is the secret of remembrance, that of remembering the good that I have learned through all my years of living.
And the process of replication starts now. Am I tired of making mistakes? It hurts so bad to make mistakes. And I have been mistaken plainly and one of those mistakes almost costs my life. A car ran me over as a kid because I never thought that nothing could damage me so close to my home on the streets. And this has shaped my insecurity through my life (insecurity in the sense of being wrong/committing a mistake). A fear that can’t be taken away except by knowledge. One more reason for my devotion to learning. And what does my desire for learning has accomplished for me? What does it have to show for?
Making a mistake? More like making an opportunity for learning. As long as I don’t forget what I have learned, it will all be alright. I should keep doing what I think it is right. Perhaps at some point, I’d be rewarded for it like Steve Jobs was regarded for his calligraphy classes. But a bit of happiness wouldn’t be so bad either. To not forget that I love living the way I live. And if I stop loving the way I live, to have the courage to find the reason for my discomfort and begin a new, better life.
To summarize, follow your heart.
One more thought on the subject of exploring and learning. There is a quote T.S. Elliot that says “we shall not cease from exploration, and the end of all our exploring will be to arrive where we started and know the place for the first time”. This is a sentiment that I share. I know that I should remember most if not all so that I will not make the same mistakes of the past. If I remember all the places and occasions that I have experienced, I should at least be able to see a little piece of truth about what human experience is truly truly like.
All of these thoughts bring me peace. Forgetting is the key, and wondering the lock or vice versa. If I were to forget what brings me peace, I should probably be in despair again. So until I have forgotten or until I learn something or remember something that brings me chaos, I shall be alright. Wondering leads to learning, learning leads to growth and growth leads to my special kind of life.