Scared Once Again

I am ashamed. Where can I hide? My failures taunt me. And this taunting makes me afraid. Am I ashamed of being afraid? Because it makes me a coward. And no one like cowards.I shall defend myself with scared angry shouts and them they shall look with disapproval. This is my first shell.

The fact that no one truly knows what shall happen, that is laughable. And yet I think I can see the future. I see the worst future and yet consider it fact.

I am ashamed because I have feelings for you because I never really asked for those feelings. Why! Can someone help falling in love? It makes me ashamed to not love right and to have a new chance prove once again that I deserve no more than unrequited love. To some degree or other, this thought is engraved in my soul.

You must have something, it makes my present focus hard to leave you. Why everything that makes a good mate? That should be it. You scare me so much and towards that which scares me, I become hostile.

The need to be loved and love is stronger it overrides most of my negative self and shows a different side of me. It makes me realize of the different things that makes me me.

Do I need you? If the part of me that loves you were to die, I can still carry on with my other parts. So do I need you? No. I don’t. But perhaps someday I will. Someday I shall need someoneand couldn’t help being by her side but it is not you. It is not me. I am not ready. I am still scared. But I am ashamed no more.

Because to understand makes me accept and this is who I am. And to change myself? For what? For love that I don’t need?Of course, it’d be nice. But surely I can have fun by myself as well. How strange it all is. I have a contradiction, something illogical, I have feelings. I am lying to myself somewhere in there.

I can see the beauty in the world. You are in it. I want to love you and I want to be loved. I am the creator of my destiny and being alone is my habit. Dear you, I love you because it is in my nature, And I feel like I can’t help it.

Many others also want you When I see you around them, my blood boils with jealousness but…I am also terribly happy because love exists and even though, I am not with you, you are with someone else. With a though of you, it is enough for me, because beauty is love and love is what I relate to you. Because I am capable of having something good in me; that is, love and beauty.

My whole life has prepared me, to walk to you, say I love you, leave all my love of you to you and unexpectedly walk away to not see you once again.

I am a coward. I am smart. This is funny. I shall be with my self. So this is not for you anymore; this is for me.

It will be alright, if I will it to be so. Though, at some point, we (me and me) should experience what others call love at least once more. Why? I am nothing if not curious.

So why am I sad? because it is supposed to be sad to give up on love. But let’s focus on the good, I am still free and that other, perhaps even better, chances will come.

And if not? Tomorrow always comes.

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