My sincerest apologies

Woman of mine. What I write you won’t care to read. And I write for you to read. If this ever sees the light of the day, the reason will not be us. The reason hides in the greater question: what crazy game have we played? And what are its consequences? Love of mine, I hate you. I love you. Isn’t it crazy? It’s been like this for so long now. I swear my heart is made of glass. A heart that gives itself to another heart which throws it away.

I call you stupid in my thoughts from time to time. Do you do the same? Do you ever think of me? He must keep you busy; the one who will soon call you wife. It took a lot to not plead for your love and snatch you from him with whatever methods i could muster. It has been my philosophy for awhile to make the recipient of my love happy. And you seem to be happy with him. So I do nothing. But while doing this, my heart broke and ached for you. Even until now.

Those like me shouldn’t exist. And yet I do. I see the true fool that I am now. Who felt for the charms of a physics doll with gentle manners. It must be hard not to love you. Wherever you walk, you must feel secure that you could make anyone love you if you wished. You the breaker of hearts just because you want to have the feeling rush of being appreciated. And it is this realization that gives me strength to walk farther away from you. Any reason to walk away will be good.

Could I have ever had you? No. We are too different. And yet I love you. Or I did.

You get married again. You don’t seem to learn. Stupid. Stupid. But what do I know? I am ready to know. You fell in love. You silly girl. Even if you were with me, I wouldn’t marry you. But perhaps I would. I have heard that love makes you stupid. And so I am.

What are we to do with ourselves? Enjoy life while we can. Though, you’d enjoy more life than me these days. But I can’t really complain. Life speaks to me. I am sure you have seen me speak to it from time to time. And we have beautiful conversations. I can’t doubt myself on this. I am growing. Though, I do think I’d grow better and stronger with you. I miss you. It would seem that only moments of your present made me a better man. I miss you.

I apologize for not making you feel the same way you made me feel. For being a burden when it most mattered for you to have friends. But that was the nature of my childish/juvenile and yet sincere love.

It has now become a sickening love. I don’t have you anymore. No longer do I know you. Perhaps I never even knew you.

You get married. And marriage is stupid to me because of the inability for people to stay together. But it can be a wonderful thing if the decision wasn’t rushed. And something tells me you rush it twice. I am slow. It takes all the time in the world for my love to get here. But slow and steady wins the race.

I wish you happiness my silly fellow in love friend. And forgive my feelings so that I can have a change at forgiving myself. There is so much for me to tell you. But these words best fit the you of the past. And it is her that I still love even now. As for the you of now, she must be better than the old and yet there might be a chance I wouldn’t love that present her.

Best of luck.

The greater purpose might have been accomplished my lost friend. The smartest way to move on: to write a letter and not send it. The smartest way to move on that I can come up with today anyway.

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Lover

I am not the best looking. So, I should shoot for someone who looks just slightly above my looks. That’s how relationships work. It doesn’t make sense for a person that has a lower quality of life to be with someone say rich, smart and beautiful. Opposites attract. Maybe, maybe not, maybe both.

I heard once that people that were smart both would attract each other if they both subscribe to religion or say atheism. In that case, they are opposite and alike at the same time. But this all seems for fat fetched. It would just seem that you can find people that have different beliefs in a relationship and also share some beliefs as well. It is not really that either opposite or alike people attract. Or perhaps you need both. Yeah.

I want to have a lover. Like you (like you also need a lover, I didn’t mean I want a lover like you). At some point we all feel like this. We should move to this desire as if we had no self controlled because at the end of the day, this is what we are all about. One of our cores. I asked a friend of mine, what was the most important thing in her life? And she said her boyfriend. So, having a lover is quite the important event for a lot of people. My friend, I believe exaggerates the fact that it is important to have a lover in our lives. For some people, that is one of the big ones.

So, single people like me, we are failing at one of the most important things in life. Either that, or I am confused.

How does my brain work,, neurologists? Am I a deterministic type of guy? I am a responder of circumstances. Of that which happens in the present (note that one might respond to circumstances in the mind, things that haven’t happened yet in the future. Which might create unnecessary unrealistic stress). People then behave toward circumstances in their environment. For example if they see an attractive woman, they become appreciative of it. And act in order to make her like you and to know that one is interested in her.

Lover of mine. Will you freak out? Will you find the continuous amount of analysis I do i everyday life exhausting? As long as I don’t be an asshole to you, it should be alright. Where matters of the heart is concerned, no one knows. Will you find my kisses enchanting? My touch lightning? Lover, will you exist?

To paraphrase love is to paraphrase humanity. People express their love in different ways, each unique, each its own world. Perhaps. Perhaps. Perhaps. In order to let someone feel like you love them, you must do what they think of love. Else, they might feel unloved or even they might think you don’t know the love language. And how can you expect a person like that to have a normal relationship? What kind of genes are those? How can they get someone to have sex and reproduce? Perhaps, this even is unimportant. And I am thinking too much into it.

The recipe of love. The recipe of life. It is a catastrophe. A mess. And yet, I must be courageous. If I am like other people and other people get love, then that means that I will get love. And if someone that isn’t like me, gets love, then I must worry because someone like me might not get love.

I must be courageous to obtain happiness. Go through mess and find my well deserved reward. Or maybe, I should become asexual. The first in my genetic line. To not get my reward but not go through mess.

The smartest way to love. Is not.

Emotions

I want to feel sad.

Give me strength, then. There are a million things that go through my mind. There are a trillion of feelings in me. I actually don’t know whether I am exaggerating. I should calm down. But who wrote a good story when he was calmed down?

More often than not, good stories come out of traumas. Emotional fitness, they call it. When you are able to do things because you feel things. And I feel overwhelmed. I seem to walk through my emotional life carrying so much baggage. A baggage that perhaps can be represent as child that it is actually a demon of sorts. My demons. That let me know about my failures in life.

While all the success I ever reached in life was never enough. Enough to give me wings, so I can fly. Fly through the swamp of life’s negative experiences.

What do you care? Let me tell you about what you care. You care about the same stuff as me. You are like me. Obsessive. About breathing air, keep your relationships intact, eating on time, finding pleasure in life. These are among the things we care about.

I don’t get you parents. You live through your children? You want your children to be something that you were not able to be. Better than you. And if they turn out to be worst but misfortunes and mysteries of life, you think you have failed. What is that all about?

I fell in love once. It was messy. The second time, it was worst. Imagining that the love of a woman might compare to the love that parents feels toward their children, I might understand their ability to act beyond comprehension when there is a threat to what they think “parent-child” status or such a type of relationship should be like, Desperate, furious, loving, needy, weak and strong.

I am a human. I am a killer. A lover. A pacifist. A hater. I am you. We are definitely not the same. I am smarter and you are prettier. But we both want pretty much the same things. Give me food, give me a way to feel important. Give me the feeling of belonging (probably I feel this less). Give me something back after I give you something.

Overwhelmed by emotions. How much were humans supposed to feel? Not too many so that perhaps one won’t correctly. Overwhelmed by the look of a girl, without the inability to propose a kiss. Now, you (feelings) were not supposed to work like that. That might be able to happen theoretically. That’s how I feel. I don’t even know how I am feeling.

The smartest way to feel. In order, for me to combat my paralyzing feelings, I must go against my nature. Psychologists will agree but not really. They don’t know how to go about it. Isn’t this against the idea that one can’t help how he feels? Perhaps what they meant is that we were meant to be understood. When we are understood then people can act accordingly to how we feel. Psychologists are crazy. Somewhat ironic.

I am not normal. Or am I? Or am I just like some of you? Some of you might be able to understand my obsessive behavior towards unrequited life. Unpractical, unhealthy, practically impossible to stop. Feeling love for someone who doesn’t feel the same way for you, blows. Trying to not feeling love for the one who you love, blows. Emotions blow me and not in the good way.

Emotions make you do stupid shit. Perhaps not necessarily stupid. Emotions make you do things. And what does pure reason do? Just understand and that is it.

Emotions, the smartest way to feel, what is it? To be a rock to everybody’s feelings. To not be hurt. To be hurt not. To only be hurt occasionally because people are getting hurt by your actions and we don’t them to reciprocate this.

We do good things for others because we want them to return the favor. We don’t do bad things, because we don’t want people to return the favor. But can we do without expecting anything back? I let her go. The person that I have loved the most (or not). And even then, I was hoping for her to consider me in a future maybe. Can people that do not know you, do something nice for you and walk away?

What does it mean that strangers care?

We’d talk about it later.

My Humanity

What am I? A human.

The only ideology I could ever take seriously is that of the scientific method. And the scientific method tells me, that my body is that of an animal. Of the family of the apes. And I am condemned to sense animal feelings and do animal behaviors.

Anything else that I might belief in: could just be characterized as hopeful. I hope I am bigger than most animals, than most humans, I hope that I am connected to the universe in more ways than one or many. I hope there is always a way to increment my capabilities to lead a smart life.

And yet this is all hope. I can only try. Fight battles that I will lose. Will I fight battles that I know I will lose? Can I be so arrogant to think that I know that I will lose battles? What am I? What does being an animal mean?

Am I supposed to care about family? Friends and relationships? All I want to do is to not care. Because I am not a human. I am not less or more. I am different. I was born with something or without something. The ability to want to be normal. To follow the patterns of life bestow upon me by the feeling that I possessed. What happens when one’s genetics and nurture meets a different culture? What happens if I was born weak?

It’d mean that I will lose all the battles. That I will lose most battles that a human, an animal faces. The battles of love and of friendship. The battles of power, of being the center of attention. The battles of beauty and intelligence.

My emotions cloud my perception. But what is anyone without emotions? I am big and I am small. I fool myself if I were to said I didn’t need people. But oh I wish so much I didn’t. My inability to relate well to others. The human part I am missing.

Give me resolution. Or give me death. I want peace. I want to resolve these issues. I want an answer and a solution.

I feel like I am living under the illusion that I am alright when in reality, everything indicates to me that it sucks being alive while others live. I have no homicide intentions. I am a peaceful person by nature. And peace is all I want.

No, I don’t want peace. I want to understand. And understand is what I have done. Perhaps now I want peace.

The most peaceful way to live.

I am not under control. This happen sometimes. The overload of my mind. I can only I will not be so easily defeated by my thoughts next time around.

So, what did we learn today? Putting down facts and emotions, that perhaps it is a good idea. So that one might understand this condition and understand it for a letter use in the future.

Complaint to Life

Who am I to have an opinion? It has been said everyone is entitle to their opinion. Though, that’s like saying everyone is entitle to a penny. Opinions aren’t worth much.

What truly is worth something in general is ability and skill. Something which I do not necessarily have.

It is true that the heart commands the body for even the brain bends towards the heart’s will. But it is not true that the heart is the best tool to accomplish anything in your life.

I suppose I am talking about my own heart here.

People’s other hearts must be strong or their minds equipped with high skill for these people claim their heart’s can do it all. Maybe they haven’t lived enough.

But I can only talk facts about myself and even though I’ve grown fond of lying, I think it should be obvious that I am doing my best to examine myself throughly here.

My heart has failed me. Several times. It has wanted what it could not have. It has wanted an illusion. Something that which doesn’t really exist. So then I suppose my head should have analyze it better. It should have seen what truly laid in front of my eyes. My heart has idealize its dreams.

So much my heart has failed me, that I do not trust in it. And that is sad. For the heart is the compass of life and now I am obviously lost. And so, I am trying to find the guilty one here. But is being lost really that bad? I don’t feel that. I feel like I am fully living.

I’ve become randomness. That is what I’ve wanted for awhile. And even though my heart quivers and ticks from time to time to let me know what it wants, I do my best to shrugg it off. Like lf I saw someone in need on the street but I went around the block so as to not cross my way with them.

And for these reasons, I complain to life.

I am waste of space; however, I prefer not to be.

I am good and intelligent; however, it may be better not to be.

What am I to have an opinion? Who am I to go against with the wisdom of life and nature? Well, I am someone that lives. And of course, I’d have something to say to what seems to be the tyrant that which we call life.

I never wished to live, life; but you made me live nontheless. And that statement should perplex anyone. I was after all a reproductive cell at one time. And in that time, I wasn’t lying on my bed wondering about the reason for my own existence. At that time; however, I was winning a race that I will later regret winning.

Why? Because if I have life, should I not deserve to have what I want and what makes me feel happy? No. That’s not what life cares about. That is why there is so much suffering in the world.

A complaint to life: I do not like the suffering. But of course, life will reply “I give you joy from time to time.”

And to this I say: Sigh. What does it matter if I am to have happiness when I will experience sadness as well? I love rollercoasters but I sure don’t like this one. Maybe I’ve being part of more suffering than happiness and it is this imbalace that now makes me fill a complaint to life.

I am empty in the inside. And yet I still have much. Oh, the contradictions!

Life isn’t very ethical.

Life is a tyrant. Did I choose to win that cellular race or was I made to? I wouldn’t know but something tells me I was made to. If that cell had the knowledge I had now, it would have had second thoughts.

And now I am made to do things as well. I am made to feel when I would prefer not to (and feelings is pretty much everything in life). I am made to think but that one at least I truly want to do. 

Will I ever be free? Just like insanity and taxes, death comes to us all. And that might be my savior. My libertador. At this time; however, my body feels strongly about death. Someday, that will change. Or at least, my body won’t feel so strongly about living.

I am a slave to my body.

My spirit was meant to be free.

Whatever the fuck that means.

It doesn’t mean; however, that my spirit isn’t worth any money.

Calling

explorthis

It is ingrained with us. How we act and why we act such a way. Therefore, one can know how people will act in a certain situation. The strongest reason that determines our actions is the fact that we are humans. We are built in such a way. The more one knows about what it meanst to be a human, the more one is to understand why people act the way they do.

We all have a calling. It is the same calling. Find some beautiful and make love to it. Try to in the very least. Beauty is not in the eye of the beholder. Beauty is in the eyes of those who see… if one pays enough attention, they’d see beauty they haven’t realize before. And if someone else sees this, they also will find it beautiful given they are also humans. Some beauty it is just easier to see. Some beauty everyone is capable of seeing.

Is this type of life really so bad? I’d compare it to drifting on a lake. Not drifting on a sea because a sea moves too fast and it can get rough. To a lake, because it is soft, easy and comfortable. It is easy to feel like we do. It is our calling. To love what we love. Sometimes, our acts even give us great satisfaction.

However, it is not impossible to escape such a calling. You may call it a second calling. Take for example a great mathematician, why was Euler so obsessed with mathematics? Or why did Picasso care so much about art? There is beauty in those life’s fields. It can be of use. It can be satisfactory. It is not beauty easy to see. It is hard but at the end of the day, it makes humanity better off. Just like the doctors of today make us better off than the healers of the past.

If there is a reason to stop drifting on a lake, it’d be to find new ways to improve ourselves. The calling then it will not only be to feel what we feel already. It’d be to ultimately to improve oneself in ways one sees it fit. People will be like explores on a new land. They’d find out what things make them tick and why things work the way they do.

To escape what occupies most of our time may be actually worth it. Though, it may be very painful to be such a way… unless you really know what you are doing. It will depend on one’s will and determination. There may be a state in which what one wills one loves. This can often be destructive but such a destructive behaviour could be easy to recognize. The main point will be to not engage on what one already knows is destructive behaviour.

This then is the answer to if there is more than life to just merely living, getting a job that gets you enough food, and having sex with what you can find. What life also offers is exploring, improving and ultimately wanting the best.

I wonder about pride or ego

crossing bridge

I had this idea for awhile. The idea of how being prideful can lessen your ability to learn and be overall a better person.

It all started in a book. I believe it was a self help book. A very ordinary one, that is just like most others. In the book, a story was narrated of how a prideful smart person could see the bridge (the answer) but wasn’t willing to cross it. He was afraid and didn’t have the courage to do it. And when people would tell him about their problems, he’d laugh and point out arrogantly that there was a bridge and that they had to cross it. He knew the answer and yet wasn’t able to act upon the answer because of fear and because of his pride.

Though, the story was more about how people should act on the things they know to be correct. Things that they know are the best for them. There is also a central idea of fear and how pride can create it.

Just last week, I was trying to learn the choreography for a dance. My feet weren’t doing the part. My muscles have never done something like it. I wasn’t able to do it with everyone else. There were two options. Either I just chill with everyone else, or I kept practicing by my own to catch up. If i decided to practice by my own, everyone will be watching and it’d be sort of embarrassing.

I feel in so many cases, this is true. You’d have to do embarrassing things to get better at a certain activity. You’d have to risk people calling you a fool or laughing at you. Continuing with the man and the bridge in the analogy, it may be that one of the wood pieces that make the bridge floor will fall down as the man steps on it. It may make him look like a fool. And maybe people laugh at him. However, that is the price to pay in order to arrive to the final destination. A place where the man can find joy in his life. If he doesn’t mind the mocking of people and if he is careful just likes the others before him, he’d arrive to the final destination that will make him a better person.

It sounds stupid to say the smartest way to be is to act is to look stupid in front of most people. And if there was another way to accomplish a better state of being. That is becoming a better dancer, a better student or a better lover… one must make mistakes and even look without much grace. And of course, if we don’t give up and we lose our ego to act clumsy in front of people. If we are able to say sorry if our clumsiness hurt other people, if we are able to continue the path marked by the bridge of no ego… in the other side, we will be able to find a better way to live and act.

After trying to do the correct footwork for awhile on my own, after I kept insisting the main dancer to show me the dance moves over and over again and after a few people had giggle and chuckle at me… I was able to make progress. Haha. Yeah, I actually didn’t perfect the dance footwork. I got close though and I believe I just now need practice. I am sure there will be many cases in my life where I’d have to do the same to be able to perfect myself. And I hope I have the courage to the smartest thing.

This is what I think.