Crippling Love

What is love?

What is love?

What is love?

How many times have I asked myself that question? I have try to avoided altogether. I have tried to see it as something outside of myself when I am entirely made of it. I thought it was a choice to love or not to love but it is becoming more obvious, there is really not a choice. I am made of love and so I must  love.

And if love is to make any sense for the one that loves, the love should be returned in some way. I haven’t had the pleasure of being in love for quite some time now. It has all been unrequited love for me which is something but not quite what one needs.

What is love but part of the human experience? Not even that, I would bet all animals feel love. Albeit, love is just chemicals in our brains. And our brains are a big part of who we are.

Ultimately I don’t know about what makes humans or animals all I know is I want to love. I haven’t loved and so I am sad. I’ve been lonely for more than 10 years now. That is, I haven’t dated anybody. Interesting fact of the smartest person in the world.

Is there somebody to touch my heart whom I can do the same trick for? I have knocked several doors but nobody opened. In fact, “go away” they said…to give them credit, they said it in the nicest way possible.

What is love then? But us. What am I but human? Why then should I run from it? Instead one should open up one’s heart and be hopeful to receive one of these days.

What is the smartest way to love? To know and let yourself be known. To prosper together in the relationship and as individuals. And a million other things that which only an attitude of hard work and belief could accomplish.

Love, the most ephemeral of feelings. It doesn’t have to not last if it is done the right way. I will choose to believe that. And that it is achievable if one opens up.






Taking life less seriously

If I were to read an incredible amount of books, if I were to be able to live a hundred a million lives, if I were able to know perhaps not everything but quite a lot, then I suppose it would make sense to take life more seriously.

It is me a thinking biological machine. I believe I am spiritless. I am also a bit crazy. I think outside the box. I also think inside the box. I look on the corner and around the edges. I look at what separates the inner part of the box and the outer part of the box. I am a genius. I am a human being. I have officially lost track of what I was writing about.

I have a heart, why does it ache? I mean seriously, nobody punched my heart. Nobody puncture it with a bullet. Nobody squeezed it and so why does it ache? Does it come from my mind? Is it learned behavior or does it come in a very much instinctual way? What does the pain in my heart asks of me to do?

It is interesting to think “what if I had lived a million lives by now”? How many shitty stuff can happen to a human being? How many pleasant things in different variations can one feel? Does one ever get tired of sex, of eating, of sleeping after having those two? How much can what we call a human being change before he stops being a human being? How many variations of a human being’s life can there be? I am curious. Do I trust others experiences? Reading books, reading blogs, newspapers and asking people…are they telling me the true? Is that really what happened? How did it feel when it happened? Can I not have all the bored moments of a million people? Boredom is a pleasure in and out of itself… it is time to digest and wonder what all those experiences that which we had meant. It is time to look around and be in the now.

My heart aches and it is for the lack of love. I have a lack of love because  I don’t have much confidence or game when talking to women. It is so because I am not there yet because I haven’t put enough effort. Do I want to put effort into this area of my life? How is it like to be romantic? Is it asking a kiss? Is it making a promise? I really do not want to look into this right now but neither do I want to be taken in by a shadow. The shadow of darkness that can lie within. For every awesome relationships, there are a million heartaches and sad songs. I do not want to be tangled up in an ugly reality. Am I already there?

Should I take life seriously? It is my only life. At least, that is what I think. My whole family is religious. They are constantly talking about life after death and I suppose and wonder it would be nice. But how can I be certain? They say to just believe but to me believe is useless unless it is the believe in myself.

Should I take life seriously? Should I take my aching seriously? I wonder once more about the right path to take. What is the right question to ask? I think I should start looking around. The more I look I suppose it is the better. The more I see the better. No, no, no. There must be something better. I think I am forgetting something. If I am not content with life look at something else. One can find wisdom on the internet but one should not forget such wisdom. If there is something that which you lack, look for it. You have a basic guidance.

I write for myself. My advice is for myself. Do not ever give up. Do not ever forget, that is to say, remember. Think about it logically. And love as much as you can. The heartache might just be a sign to love even harder.

I guess the answer is yes.



Look inside my heart, what do you see?

Indescribably suffering is what is inside me. I can only speak for myself. And so I feel alone in the world. How can someone possibly understand how I feel? How can one possibly see inside my heart and understand my suffering and my joy?

Even if people wanted to understand me, they wouldn’t be able, too. What do I feel at this moment? I am not sad. What does even mean? Depressed? I am a bit depressed that is not the right word. Apprehensive? I am almost all the feelings combined. Why does it feel like any adjective could describe my situation at the moment?

Am I happy? What does that mean? I am happy I am writing this. Because I’ve been meaning to for a long time. Do people really know each other even in the longest of marriages?

Look inside my heart and you’d see poetry. You’d see or feel something similar but yet quite different to what is inside yours. Poetry of all kinds. Poetry of the illogical, of the indescribably, of the touching.

Come and dance and enjoy the storm of feelings inside me. Though even though you can’t. You can imagine it. There is happiness over this, sadness over that, pain from this, and joy of that. Tiredness in this, and readiness in that. Habit on right now, and change in the past. There is beauty that I see that confounds me. And there is apparent ugliness that attracts me,

There is love and rebellion. My father and mother. My pride and my embarrassment. My inclinations and my declinations? My jokes and my seriousness. My forwardness and my hesitations. My passions and my disinterests. All of this in me, in different variations of tones and colors. The infinite amount of variety and the life time of experiences in me, that is something you would not probably, if not never, be able to see.

If you could believe me I’d tell you I love the world. I love the people. The animals. The knowledge that slowly consumes my soul. And yet I hate it all, how do people do it? How do people experience their existence in this immense tiny world? I couldn’t ever know.

We can have a glimpse of each other hearts…And I suppose something is better than nothing.

The smartest way to understand each other might just be beyond our human capabilities.

Scared Once Again

I am ashamed. Where can I hide? My failures taunt me. And this taunting makes me afraid. Am I ashamed of being afraid? Because it makes me a coward. And no one like cowards.I shall defend myself with scared angry shouts and them they shall look with disapproval. This is my first shell.

The fact that no one truly knows what shall happen, that is laughable. And yet I think I can see the future. I see the worst future and yet consider it fact.

I am ashamed because I have feelings for you because I never really asked for those feelings. Why! Can someone help falling in love? It makes me ashamed to not love right and to have a new chance prove once again that I deserve no more than unrequited love. To some degree or other, this thought is engraved in my soul.

You must have something, it makes my present focus hard to leave you. Why everything that makes a good mate? That should be it. You scare me so much and towards that which scares me, I become hostile.

The need to be loved and love is stronger it overrides most of my negative self and shows a different side of me. It makes me realize of the different things that makes me me.

Do I need you? If the part of me that loves you were to die, I can still carry on with my other parts. So do I need you? No. I don’t. But perhaps someday I will. Someday I shall need someoneand couldn’t help being by her side but it is not you. It is not me. I am not ready. I am still scared. But I am ashamed no more.

Because to understand makes me accept and this is who I am. And to change myself? For what? For love that I don’t need?Of course, it’d be nice. But surely I can have fun by myself as well. How strange it all is. I have a contradiction, something illogical, I have feelings. I am lying to myself somewhere in there.

I can see the beauty in the world. You are in it. I want to love you and I want to be loved. I am the creator of my destiny and being alone is my habit. Dear you, I love you because it is in my nature, And I feel like I can’t help it.

Many others also want you When I see you around them, my blood boils with jealousness but…I am also terribly happy because love exists and even though, I am not with you, you are with someone else. With a though of you, it is enough for me, because beauty is love and love is what I relate to you. Because I am capable of having something good in me; that is, love and beauty.

My whole life has prepared me, to walk to you, say I love you, leave all my love of you to you and unexpectedly walk away to not see you once again.

I am a coward. I am smart. This is funny. I shall be with my self. So this is not for you anymore; this is for me.

It will be alright, if I will it to be so. Though, at some point, we (me and me) should experience what others call love at least once more. Why? I am nothing if not curious.

So why am I sad? because it is supposed to be sad to give up on love. But let’s focus on the good, I am still free and that other, perhaps even better, chances will come.

And if not? Tomorrow always comes.

A Piece of my Mind

There is not much of a desire for me to make amends so that I can be accepted into a social group. I act like I do and if people don’t like it, I don’t change me because of them. i stay true to what I believe and think is right/entertaining. And this is why my social life is a disaster.

And I ask myself, is this promise I have made to be true to myself worth the disaster it drags? Connecting with others and the need of belonging somewhere is part of our human experience. And so I feel quite lost and alone. I wonder and wonder that at some point I should see the truth of whether my isolation is worth it. Am I really going to have to google how to make friends?

Though, I am sure I have googled it before. But I forget. I forget and forget and that is the problem, isn’t it? I am quite dissatisfied with life and not because my life is terrible but because my personal trait is to be dissatisfied with it. To look at the negative and feel bad about it. This is so because I believe in change. I want to improve myself over and over. And so I change and change but into what I don’t know. Because after all, what is even the best way to live? What is the most ethical way to live? The smartest way to live? The most meaningful/happy way to live?

I have explored myself, my surroundings and other people and yet I am unable to answer these questions. Except for perhaps do what you think it is right and follow it no matter what. To me it seems that we make mistakes and those mistakes might very well be what we follow no matter what for after some time. Oh, there are million of good thoughts that are happening in my brain right now, how to write them all down? They are good, too. And I shall propose the idea that having many good thoughts come to you is good so this whole scenario of me examining myself is good and that I shall do this more often. I should replicate what caused these thoughts to come into my mind. That is the secret of remembrance, that of remembering the good that I have learned through all my years of living.

And the process of replication starts now. Am I tired of making mistakes? It hurts so bad to make mistakes. And I have been mistaken plainly and one of those mistakes almost costs my life. A car ran me over as a kid because I never thought that nothing could damage me so close to my home on the streets. And this has shaped my insecurity through my life (insecurity in the sense of being wrong/committing a mistake). A fear that can’t be taken away except by knowledge. One more reason for my devotion to learning. And what does my desire for learning has accomplished for me? What does it have to show for?

Making a mistake? More like making an opportunity for learning. As long as I don’t forget what I have learned, it will all be alright. I should keep doing what I think it is right. Perhaps at some point, I’d be rewarded for it like Steve Jobs was regarded for his calligraphy classes. But a bit of happiness wouldn’t be so bad either. To not forget that I love living the way I live. And if I stop loving the way I live, to have the courage to find the reason for my discomfort and begin a new, better life.

To summarize, follow your heart.

One more thought on the subject of exploring and learning. There is a quote T.S. Elliot that says “we shall not cease from exploration, and the end of all our exploring will be to arrive where we started and know the place for the first time”. This is a sentiment that I share. I know that I should remember most if not all so that I will not make the same mistakes of the past. If I remember all the places and occasions that I have experienced, I should at least be able to see a little piece of truth about what human experience is truly truly like.

All of these thoughts bring me peace. Forgetting is the key, and wondering the lock or vice versa. If I were to forget what brings me peace, I should probably be in despair again. So until I have forgotten or until I learn something or remember something that brings me chaos, I shall be alright. Wondering leads to learning, learning leads to growth and growth leads to my special kind of life.

True Genius

There is an assertive belief that was engrained in me long ago. I have heard these voices through out my life. “You are really smart” or “you are genius”. And “you are pretty intelligent”; I have come to believed those voices and live by it. So much so that I feel the need to make a blog about being the smartest person in the planet. But what does that even mean? I am not rich by any means and you’d think a smart person will have plenty of money. God, what does being smart even mean? Being able to do long multiplications in your head? Being able to remember what have you learned before? I forget. Good thing Google is my friend (a bit of sarcasm there).

And yet, I must push forward… towards this illusive mirage of a goal. Not because I was made to believe that my essence as a human being was of intelligence but because I am good at it and to be frank I enjoy being all around intelligent.

I am crying. Do you really think I am crying? Maybe so. Follow me on this. These are just words and tend to disappoint. I am not crying but I somewhat am. How to perfectly describe it? It is quite impossible. And let me give you at this moment the ability to think whatever you’d like. And so, I am regretfully touched by my inability to describe my thoughts in its entirety. That what an intelligent man wants is to be a true genius.

I am indecisive and have low self-teem when dealing with women I am interested in and when trying to meet job qualifications. But with the knowledge that I could improve on these weaknesses if I so dared, these same weaknesses feel meaningless.

And another grain within me is that I don’t give up. If I put my mind in something, it is hard for me to move away from it. Or so this I tell myself. I also tell myself when not giving up to work smarter and not harder. To try different ways of doing things, get knowledge on how to do that very same thing I am not able to do and if all fails to do the hardest thing and move on.

And perhaps this is where true genius lies. In a road trip, you may have to drive for thousands of miles. It won’t matter that you are 10 miles/hour above the speed limit, you won’t get to your destination just like that. It is not that you need high speed to get to your destination. It is that you need high speed and time. I presume it is the same for skill. It doesn’t matter how hard you practice on your craft, you won’t get there after some time. And just like in a road trip, to get where one wants to be, it takes time.

And it takes speed. Just because one doesn’t arrive immediately with high speeds doesn’t mean to slow down else one is too late.

I am intelligent. But do I work hard? For longs periods of time? If I were to do so and if i were patient with this and wait it out, there shouldn’t be a doubt that a true genius will emerge. A genius with the ability to produce high quality products and services in the chosen craft

Love in Different Times 2

Me and her. Kissing, loving, touching, It was a story I made up. I always wanted a better story that what I actually got. And that would have done splendidly.

It didn’t happen quite like that. Not at all. i never really met her face to face, that close. Never and I never will. She was cute though, And I did love her. The date she took my heart, she was sparkling, shining. That day she was the center of the universe. Of my universe, I could have been blind and still notice that the source of those splendorous rays was her.

“I like your swagger”. I needed to grab her attention and I didn’t know what else to say other than that. So, I opted for what the cool kids say.

Her eyes grew big with amazement. I took it as a compliment, in all her traveling she must have not seen someone like me. “What does swagger mean?” She inquired.

What does it matter what it means? I thought. I only wanted to talk to you. However, I respond to this true or false, the only true motive is to have continued the conversation. I stared at her as well with big eyes in silence. “I like your style”. I finally said. “That’s what it means”. I had forgotten my purpose. It was easy to forget things at that moment. My wits was a blurry mess.

“Oh” She managed to sigh. She seemed confused still but gradually becoming quite cheerful. As if she was suspecting an inevitable joke or an invitation for flirtation. I could have swear she pass her hand through her hair. And got a little closer to speak to me almost in whispers. Soft, inviting, wet, naked.

What is going on to me? In front of me is a beautiful girl and I can’t seem to dwell in the present. Else, i am lost in a different dimension were things move slower and faster at the same time. Where my heart move hard and slow. And I smiled. This is love. I could recognize the feeling, even though this time it was more intense than I remembered.

“Are you okay?” She was concerned. I must have looked feverish. About to fall down, a bad case of love at first sight. As if the carpets have been pulled from my feet.

“Yes, I am okay. To be honest, I am just blown up by you. There is something about you that has made quite an impression”. I muttered here and there but yet managed to say passingly cool like.

And just like that, it was as if we have known each other all our lives. And that there was never that could take us apart. “I bet you must say that to every girl”. She teased, knowingly that such words could not be said here and there, casually, to not just any girl.

.”My name is… Nice to meet you. I’d like to hug you”

“I’d like to hug you, too and my name is…”

:”Cool” There was nothing else to say other than that.

“Cool” She knew that as well.

Love. Strange, incomprehensible and when it happens, there is no greater motivation to keep people together. Her left foot and my right foot might as well have been tied together. And it was so strange and lovely indeed,

Months passed by and even though, we didn’t have many chances to see each other. Each moment was ecstasy, Because even though we didn’t spend a lot of time together, each moment we shared felt like infinity in our lives and hearts. That filled us with so much more than any moment being apart could ever take away. Or that any moment apart that would come could ever exhaust. The goodness that resulted in us being together will last us a forever and more.

Though, all of this really didn’t happen either. The only truth of this tale might have been that I am a sucker for love. And that this … girl never really quite existed in my timeline. Though, I did fall for her… She could have not been mine. She was of a different time. After all, I met her on a 1970 music video in YouTube with black hair and a full smile which made me wished I was born in a different time and met her in different circumstances.